My mother died of cancer on the 12th July, 2016. I've had relatives with cancer. I've had family friends who suffered from cancer. It seems like the world has cancer. My mother had altogether suffered from cancer for 6 years before she passed away peacefully.
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| Annette Francis. 19th August 1971 - 12th July 2016 |
Here I am, standing in a position where I am no longer in the comfortable zone of sympathy. I'm now in the zone of what I'd like to call Direct Experience. My urge is to deny that my mother has died, that she ever had cancer, that it's all an illusion. I can choose to take flight, by running away from reality. Or I can chose to fight, survive and thrive.
The flight-response never results in good. Running from reality ensures that reality will catch up with you. Now I'm not a psychologist, but I know that denial is often thought to be a coping mechanism. In my opinion it's not a very good one, although it's commonly experienced during times of trauma and grief. Denial does not work in the long term because the obvious thing about reality is, it's real.It always wins.
One of my problems has been my love for reasoning things out. I've found myself attempting to reason my emotions away. At one point I refused to cry because it made me feel extremely vulnerable. I even gave myself a deadline in regards to my grieving period, which I strongly advise anyone against doing. Crying made me feel weak. However crying produced something great in me. It made me stronger, because each time I cried, the ability to cope with my emotions improved. I'm still in the process. Think of it like this - all you can do is cry to the point where you have to stop. Then you get up, free of that day's emotions. It's a release, and release is vital to survive. Release is vital for the fight!
I refer to the continuation of my life, without my mother, as my 'fight.' I have to constantly fight against the urge to give up on life. I have to fight to be successful and to keep the balance between being consumed by my emotions and 'getting a grip.' It is my fight because it is my struggle.
In light of this Direct Experience I've learned a few things. You're allowed to be a mess. Yes, you do not have to 'be strong' or 'smile'. You can be a complete mess because one day you will rebuild your life. It's all apart of the process. Plus, if you're a believer in God like me, your faith will become a vital part of your life. I believe that belief and hope are key concepts to . Everything will come together as it should.
My grief is now a part of my life, but I'll use it to drive me forward. True writers write from the heart, and this has been a key season that I've had to pass through. I chose to fight.
- Courtney Carr
